A Letter to my Mate

"To My Deastest Wife,

During the past year I have attempted to make love to you 365 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

It's to late, you said - 15 times

You said you were too tired - 42 times

It's was to early - 12 times

It's was to hot - 18 times

You pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear us, you said - 9 times

You has a headache or backache - 26 times

You were sunburned - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

You were watching the late show - 21 times

To sore - 26 times

New hairdue - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that we DID suceed, the result was not always satifing because 6 times you just laid there. 8 times you had to remind me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get off .
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished. And once I was afraid that I hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this shall we ??

Your Loving Husband.

....(REPLY)............

To my Dearest Loving Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you don't get more than you did this past year :

You...Came home DRUNK !! and tried to screw the cat - 23 times.

You...Didn't COME HOME !! at all - 36 times.

You...Did not CUMN when we did do it - 21 times.

And when you did, you CAME TO QUICK !! - 38 times.

You...Went SOFT before you got it in me - 19 times.

You....Had cramps in your LEG !! - 16 times.

You...Working too LATE !!, again - 33 times.

You had a RASH !! probably from a toilet seat, I hope that was where it came from - 29 times.

You had a COLD !! and you nose kept running onto me - 21 times.

You had BURNED !! your tongue on a cup of hot coffee - 9 times.

You had a SPLINTER !! in your finger - 11 times.

You lost the NOTION !! after thinking about it for to long - 42 times.

You CREAMED !! in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times.

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the SHEETS !!. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the CRACK !! in the ceiling, what I said was. Would you like me on my back or on my knee's ! And the time I was thrashing around and GASPING!! Was because you FARTED!! And didn't even know it, and I was under you, fighting for some fresh AIR!!

Soooo My dear loving husband, maybe you can also work on your short-comings ...If you want me to give you what you ask for as your bed-partner and mate.

Your Loving Wife."